Some of my most intense prayer moments have been whilst hiding in a bathroom stall, asking God to get me through the next five hours. You ever been there? Dreading leaving a bathroom stall? Near tears? That was me today.
Temp jobs come in waves and after a dry spell, I had the opportunity to work somewhere just for the afternoon. I had to pray myself together, simultaneously thanking God for the chance to earn some money and serve people while at the same time begging him for strength to get through without a breakdown. I felt guilty and unappreciative. I felt like a spoiled bratty wuss. But I can't change the way I feel. I mustered up a smile and B+ attitude in that stall and prayed that God would help my perspective, but I felt so heavy inside. That's odd for me. I'm usually pretty chill, but today I felt like my insides weighed a ton. It's like that anxious first-day-on-the-job feeling every day. Only more cuz it's me...and I'm a mess, quite frankly.
And all I was doing was operating a switchboard, making an Excel document, and signing for packages. For nice people. I played FreeCell most of the time, actually. The job itself was no problem. Even a bit fun.
I'm getting so tired of this job hunt. I'm so discouraged. Ask any educated 20-something person right now who doesn't have a job--they can't even get on at Barnes and Noble or Dick's Sporting Goods. By prioritizing education and working jobs that fit well with that schedule, they've screwed themselves over for finding a job--especially if they can't relocate for a couple of years. I'm here for at least two more for Daric to work out his AMR contract, so I'm geographically restricted. I don't have sales experience (and I'm SO not a salesperson) and I am not a trucker. That's where the jobs are! And they won't hire you without the experience because they have their pick of 30 people with it! Mostly, you won't get hired--or even called back--without a personal connection. I feel like a lot of people don't understand that I'm trying to find a job, but I can't settle for something that won't help me out with my long-term goals. Sure, I could make minimum wage at a coffee shop, but that's not going to help me at all. Plus, the thought is making my head throb...I'm so not a fast-paced environment kind of girl.
I have a Master's degree (M.Div.). I graduated with honors. I should've gotten a certification in phlebotomy. It'd help me more.
People are so full of advice and I know they mean well, but I don't need advice. I don't even particularly want encouragement. I want a connection to get me a job somewhat related to my field. I've started feeling sick when I think about temp work. Even though I've had mostly wonderful temp jobs with fantastic people and work for the best temp company ev-er! The thought of almost anything I have a chance of getting literally makes me feel sick. Now, don't get me wrong--I've been trudging through ever since I had to quit at the library (turns out that was a REALLY smart move). I've been doing all sorts of things that aren't up my alley. I'm not above doing what I need to do. I just can't shake this increasing sense of restlessness that grows more intense with each temp assignment and day care application. Simple assignments like answering phones stress me into a tension-triggered migraine every time. It's getting a bit ridiculous, y'all. I don't know how long I can suck it up.
I have a couple of possibilities that would suit me well out there, but they're the sit-around-and-wait-on-things-that-are-outside-my-control things.
Yeah, I'm trusting God and all, but I'm also trying to be proactive. I've applied to over 100 jobs in the past year and a half, I think.
"So, what do you want to do, Leah," you might ask. Good question. My beloved friend, Amber Livermore, presented me with a helpful question a few weeks ago: What's your ideal job description? It helped me think through the kinds of things I WANT to do--no what I may have to do in the interim.
Things Leah WANTS to do:
Things Leah JUST CAN'T do/keep doing much longer
Note: this isn't me saying I'm too good to do anything. But if I settle for something, I'll never rise to my potential (a horror to an INFJ!). I've got to aim high. Which scares the living daylights out of me. But I need to do what's available. But I can't settle. But our apartment is going to be over $800/month and we have loans to pay off. But...but...but...
So, there are two Leahs right now. The practical, responsible Leah who's trying to figure out how to make money while furthering her career...
...and the hippie Leah who wants to sit on her bed in sweats listening to Coldplay while sending freelance articles to Relevant and Clubhouse Jr. and wait for her big break into publishing. Hippie Leah doesn't like to dress up for work, HATES dress shoes, scorns the idea of clocking in and out, dislikes computer chairs and refuses to sit at a desk, doesn't like office smalltalk, and works better at 12:38 a.m. than 8:00 a.m. She does her best work when a wave of inspiration hits her. She is relaxed and helpful and loves to serve. She's slow and methodical about everything, so she needs to work at her own pace. She is patient with people and doesn't feel anxious or uptight. She doesn't get tension-induced migraines and have to blog in the middle of the night to sort out life.
Until hippie Leah can get a job where she can be herself, she's going to have to take what she can get. God, thank you for your incredible provision for me. Please take control of this whole mess and make it a testimony of your intimate knowledge of me. Lead me in the best path. And give me the strength and wisdom to do what I need to do. Amen.
Temp jobs come in waves and after a dry spell, I had the opportunity to work somewhere just for the afternoon. I had to pray myself together, simultaneously thanking God for the chance to earn some money and serve people while at the same time begging him for strength to get through without a breakdown. I felt guilty and unappreciative. I felt like a spoiled bratty wuss. But I can't change the way I feel. I mustered up a smile and B+ attitude in that stall and prayed that God would help my perspective, but I felt so heavy inside. That's odd for me. I'm usually pretty chill, but today I felt like my insides weighed a ton. It's like that anxious first-day-on-the-job feeling every day. Only more cuz it's me...and I'm a mess, quite frankly.
And all I was doing was operating a switchboard, making an Excel document, and signing for packages. For nice people. I played FreeCell most of the time, actually. The job itself was no problem. Even a bit fun.
I'm getting so tired of this job hunt. I'm so discouraged. Ask any educated 20-something person right now who doesn't have a job--they can't even get on at Barnes and Noble or Dick's Sporting Goods. By prioritizing education and working jobs that fit well with that schedule, they've screwed themselves over for finding a job--especially if they can't relocate for a couple of years. I'm here for at least two more for Daric to work out his AMR contract, so I'm geographically restricted. I don't have sales experience (and I'm SO not a salesperson) and I am not a trucker. That's where the jobs are! And they won't hire you without the experience because they have their pick of 30 people with it! Mostly, you won't get hired--or even called back--without a personal connection. I feel like a lot of people don't understand that I'm trying to find a job, but I can't settle for something that won't help me out with my long-term goals. Sure, I could make minimum wage at a coffee shop, but that's not going to help me at all. Plus, the thought is making my head throb...I'm so not a fast-paced environment kind of girl.
I have a Master's degree (M.Div.). I graduated with honors. I should've gotten a certification in phlebotomy. It'd help me more.
People are so full of advice and I know they mean well, but I don't need advice. I don't even particularly want encouragement. I want a connection to get me a job somewhat related to my field. I've started feeling sick when I think about temp work. Even though I've had mostly wonderful temp jobs with fantastic people and work for the best temp company ev-er! The thought of almost anything I have a chance of getting literally makes me feel sick. Now, don't get me wrong--I've been trudging through ever since I had to quit at the library (turns out that was a REALLY smart move). I've been doing all sorts of things that aren't up my alley. I'm not above doing what I need to do. I just can't shake this increasing sense of restlessness that grows more intense with each temp assignment and day care application. Simple assignments like answering phones stress me into a tension-triggered migraine every time. It's getting a bit ridiculous, y'all. I don't know how long I can suck it up.
I have a couple of possibilities that would suit me well out there, but they're the sit-around-and-wait-on-things-that-are-outside-my-control things.
Yeah, I'm trusting God and all, but I'm also trying to be proactive. I've applied to over 100 jobs in the past year and a half, I think.
"So, what do you want to do, Leah," you might ask. Good question. My beloved friend, Amber Livermore, presented me with a helpful question a few weeks ago: What's your ideal job description? It helped me think through the kinds of things I WANT to do--no what I may have to do in the interim.
Things Leah WANTS to do:
- Be a chaplain for a children's home
- Be a spiritual director for a Christian school
- Be a guidance counselor
- Be on a curriculum development team for a church or Christian university
- Write curriculum for kids' discipleship programs
- Train children's ministry leaders/develop training materials
- Be an editor for a publishing company
- Write for Christian magazines
- Be a children's librarian
- Write and illustrate my own children's book series
- Teach Bible/theology to kids or teenagers
- Work at a bookstore
- Work somewhere where I could make stuff/be creative/artistic
Things Leah JUST CAN'T do/keep doing much longer
- Answer phones
- Sit at a desk all day
- Sales
- Food service/waiting tables
- Stuff that requires copious driving
- Day care (unless I find a really good church one where I don't have to be the only teacher in a room full of kids)
- Billing
- Be a children's pastor at a small church
Note: this isn't me saying I'm too good to do anything. But if I settle for something, I'll never rise to my potential (a horror to an INFJ!). I've got to aim high. Which scares the living daylights out of me. But I need to do what's available. But I can't settle. But our apartment is going to be over $800/month and we have loans to pay off. But...but...but...
So, there are two Leahs right now. The practical, responsible Leah who's trying to figure out how to make money while furthering her career...
...and the hippie Leah who wants to sit on her bed in sweats listening to Coldplay while sending freelance articles to Relevant and Clubhouse Jr. and wait for her big break into publishing. Hippie Leah doesn't like to dress up for work, HATES dress shoes, scorns the idea of clocking in and out, dislikes computer chairs and refuses to sit at a desk, doesn't like office smalltalk, and works better at 12:38 a.m. than 8:00 a.m. She does her best work when a wave of inspiration hits her. She is relaxed and helpful and loves to serve. She's slow and methodical about everything, so she needs to work at her own pace. She is patient with people and doesn't feel anxious or uptight. She doesn't get tension-induced migraines and have to blog in the middle of the night to sort out life.
Until hippie Leah can get a job where she can be herself, she's going to have to take what she can get. God, thank you for your incredible provision for me. Please take control of this whole mess and make it a testimony of your intimate knowledge of me. Lead me in the best path. And give me the strength and wisdom to do what I need to do. Amen.
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